Dr. Robin Stern, author, and psychologist, advises on dealing with the gaslighting type of emotional abuse in this extract from her book, The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide.
Robin Stern, Ph.D, is the co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a licensed psychoanalyst with thirty years of experience. This article is excerpted with permission from her book, The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is an insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse, repeated over time, where the abuser leads the target to question their judgments, reality, and, in extreme cases, their sanity. It’s a type of psychological manipulation in which a gaslighter—the more powerful person in a relationship—tries to convince you that you’re misremembering, misunderstanding, or misinterpreting your behavior or motivations, thus creating doubt in your mind that leaves you vulnerable and confused.
Gaslighting is always a creation and interplay of two people: A gaslighter, who needs to be right to preserve their sense of self and to keep a sense of power in the world; and a gaslighter, who is manipulated into allowing the gaslighter to define their sense of reality because they idealize the gaslighter and seek their approval. When someone you have chosen to trust, respect, and love speaks with certainty— especially if there is a grain of truth in it—it can be extremely difficult not to believe them.
Neither of you may be aware of what's going on. The gaslighter may legitimately feel they are protecting you from yourself, but they are motivated by their desire to appear strong—they must prove they are correct, and you must agree. Even if only a little part of you want your gaslighter's praise, you are vulnerable to gaslighting.
So, how do you turn the gas off?
Here are five changes you may make to change the relationship between you and your gaslighter:
1. Separate fact from fiction
Our gaslighters frequently give us their version of events, and we are completely taken aback. Their version has just enough truth to convince us that the whole thing is true. Sorting out the truth from the deception can be an important step toward shutting off the gas.
Take careful note of what your gaslighter says and how the discussion unfolds. Write down "I said, he said, I said, he said" to the best of your abilities and see how your gaslighter distorts or pivots away from what transpired, making their agenda the new and only issue to be discussed. frantic, attempting to win them over. If you are unable to persuade them, you may begin to believe that their charges are accurate.
2. Determine whether the discussion is truly a power struggle.
If it is, choose not to participate. Because gaslighting is so subtle, you may not know what the talk is truly about. An argument might last for hours, with the gaslighter growing angrier in an attempt to prove their point, and you becoming increasingly frantic in an attempt to win them over. If you are unable to persuade them, you may begin to believe that their charges are accurate.
If you're not arguing about an actual occurrence, you're probably in a power struggle. The distinction between a power struggle and a true discussion is that in a genuine conversation, both parties listen to and address each other's issues, even if they become emotional at times.
If you determine that a power struggle is taking place, your first move is to name it and withdraw.
3. Determine your and your gaslighter's triggers.
You and your gaslighter are both dancing the Gaslight Tango, and you both have triggers that cause the dance to begin. You will be more effective in avoiding these triggers after you have identified them. Triggers might range from specific events, words, or actions to issues such as family and money. Depending on the circumstances, any of you could begin the tango. Approach this subject without guilt or blame.
Concentrate on discovering your shared gaslight triggers so that you can both start shutting off the gas. Consider your gaslighter—are there any instances in which they are particularly likely to gaslight you? Can you take a step back and watch your inadvertent participation in the dynamic with compassion? When these circumstances happen, resolve to be alert and to walk away rather than participate.
4.Emphasize sentiments above "right" and "wrong"
A gaslighter frequently makes valid allegations. You cringe in recognition when your gaslighter zeroes in on these vulnerable times or errors. To break out from this trap, stop stressing about which of you is correct and instead focus on your sensations.
- If you have real remorse, apologize and try to make amends.
- If you're furious because you've been unfairly chastised, take a deep breath and opt out of the dispute by making short, uncomplicated remarks that don't encourage a response.
- If you are confused, assaulted, heartbroken, or scared, regardless of what you did even if you also feel regret you are being gaslighted and should disconnect immediately.
5. Remember that you cannot influence anyone's viewpoint, even if you are correct!
One of the most powerful hooks in the gaslighting process is a strong desire to persuade the other that you are correct. In truth, you are devoted to managing your gaslighter's ideas just as much as they are to controlling yours. They alone have control over their thinking and will perceive things their way regardless of what they do or say. The sooner you realize that it makes no difference how correct you are, the closer you will be to freedom.
Stopping gaslighting can be difficult. If you're not making the progress you'd want, think about hiring a therapist, a support group, or some other form of assistance to improve your efforts.
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